Hey guys! Long time, no talk. How are you doing? I’ve missed blogging and have been writing lots, just not publishing. And sorry, I’m not sorry. To be honest, I’ve been in and out of a funk over the last few months, but you know what? It happens. When you choose to create your own life, to expect that it’s going to be all rainbows and unicorns, would be doing yourself a disservice. To be completely transparent, at times, it sucks. Tears may be have been shed and sometimes the stress is so great you feel like your head is going to explode. You feel alone, with no one to turn to. I get it. I’ve totally been there. But without these struggles we would be nowhere, for it is during these times that we learn and we grow. And if you choose to weather the storm, you’ll emerge on the other side with new perspective and stronger than before, no doubt. Remember: you can handle anything life throws at you. It’s scary as shit to trust this, but try it. Lean into the struggle and practice self-trust, every day.

Anyways, back to the subject of today’s post. And no, I’m not going to talk about farm animals. I’ll leave that to my animal-obsessed vet school lovin’ sis. I really wasn’t going to blog about this, but I’ve been thinking about blogging about it since I started this blog, and have been feeling this way for a lot longer than that. So, last night in the car on my way back from the gym, it hit me. I could not NOT blog about it. So, here goes.

I’ve always loved exercise and eating [mostly] clean. Sure, I’ve struggled with the whole moderation thing, at times, but on the whole it makes me happy. Work what works, right? I love to sweat, live for the endorphin rush and crave being sore. I like to be challenged. I also like to prep my food, plan my day around my #BAS for lunch and love healthifying (not a word, I know- just go with it) even the most indulgent of recipes to make them fat loss friendly. Weird, I know, or perhaps not and that’s why you haven’t stopped reading 😉 My passion for nutrition has been ignited by changes in my own life in the last year in a half. In that time, I’ve learned that what I thought was ‘good’ nutrition was really not ‘good’ at all. My system was out of whack, I was in denial over countless deficiencies and battled both chronic cold and fatigue. My body was deprived. Enter: weight training. It’s given me confidence I never thought I’d have and has taught me that food is fuel, not public enemy No. 1.

My passion. This lifestyle I lead. I live it, I love it and I want to learn everything there is to know about it. And this, my friends, is the very thing that makes me the black sheep in my family. I crave this knowledge not selfishly, rather see it as a tool that will help me to empower others. But still, it sets me apart. Sure my family exercises and eats well, but to them it’s just a part of their day and they don’t give it a second thought; a hobby, if you will. To them, the idea that you could make a living doing your hobby is ludicrous; especially when your hobby is fitness, no less (exceptions to the rule include hobbies in business, law or medicine). And it’s been like this since the day I declared a Health & Exercise Science major: “So, you want to be a gym teacher?” Always needing to fit in a workout, or requesting that my food be prepped a particular way, I was the oddball left wondering why they didn’t ‘get it’. In all fairness to them, they grew up in a different time. Still, there’s nothing more frustrating than the feeling of not being understood. I get it. I really do.

You know something though? I allowed myself to become the black sheep. My “poor me” response was getting me nowhere, and I was totally pulling the victim card. It took some a ton of introspective work, but once I finally owned it, I realized that it was within my power to change it. In fact, it was my responsibility to change it. To create an environment for myself where I felt like the whitest little sheep out there. Now this is not to say I’ve severed ties with my family, at all, but there are things we talk about and things we don’t. Sure it’s tough to label relationships with some of the people you love most as superficial, but at this point in my life maintaining that distance is what I need to do for me, right now. This is not to say that I do not appreciate having grown up in a home where moderation was taught (and practiced), healthy family dinners were the norm and physical activity was encouraged daily. For those things and so much more, I will be forever grateful. Oh, and by the way. My sister is my best friend and I still talk to my mom everyday. I just let them do their thing, and I do mine.

As Jim Rohn says, “You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.” Do not underestimate the power of your support network. Your support may come in the form of family, friends or even complete strangers but at the end of the day, you choose who you surround yourself with. This made a lot more sense after attending The Radiance Retreat with Jill Coleman, Jen Sinkler and Neghar Fonooni this past summer. It was there, in the mountains of Asheville, NC, that I realized just how empowering it is to be surrounded by like-minded individuals. I may have met everyone, but it’s not about the numbers. I left having made the connections I needed to make, and with friends I will have for a lifetime. These were exactly the kinds of people I needed to be surrounding myself with. They made me feel normal, complete.

It happened again at the TimeMills retreat a few months later (must be something about Asheville lol). Surrounded by a room full of black-therefore-we-are-all-white sheep, all weekend… what fun! #blacksheepunite In all seriousness though, to be around others’ that think like you think, outside the box, is refreshing. Ideas literally bouncing off the walls for four days straight. I kid you not. Around the fitness clan, appropriately labeled so by the Jade Teta (another story for another day), I feel like a little white sheep. Guard comes down and I can be me, without reservation. *NOTE: This is my unofficial plug for these two events. If you have the opportunity to, go. Basically, you can’t afford not to.

In recent months, I’ve definitely become more selective about who I allow into my inner circle. I love people, but I’m guarded. Extroverted introvert? That’s me. Stop me and I’ll talk to you, for a minute or hours (lol I really do love engaging people), but at the end of the day I’m a really private person. If someone or something is holding you back, ask yourself if that person/thing is deserving of your time and energy that could be directed elsewhere. If not, byeee. It’s not easy, but it’s the key to personal freedom. It’s your life and you get to create it. You have one life to live. Dream big, weather the storms and live it exactly as you please.

You hear it everywhere, or at least I do:

“I wish I could just break up with the scale.”

“If only I could lose those last X [fill in the blank] pounds.”

“I wish that number didn’t define my day.”

“I wish I could be content with where I’m at.”

“I wish I didn’t have to count every last calorie, measure then scrutinize every last morsel of food I put into my mouth.”

Do any of the above statements resonate with you? If so, rest assured you’re not alone. These thoughts are running through minds of people everywhere. How do I know? For one, I’ve been on the receiving end of these comments first-hand: at the gym, the grocery store, the mall, out with friends. For two, I used to be one of them.

For years, I lived my life according to that number on the scale and *allowed* that number to define my day. That said, when I started lifting weights I knew the likelihood of me putting on some weight was, well, likely. To say that I was okay with the idea then of a few more LBS would be a flat out lie, but I knew that muscle had to weigh something and I wasn’t afraid of muscle. [And you shouldn’t be either! It’s a good look, IMO]. So, on July 5, 2024 a.k.a. training day #1, I made the *choice* to end my toxic relationship with the scale.

I didn’t weigh myself at all for the first six months after I started lifting as I knew myself well enough to know that any gain would send me over the edge (and also result in me quitting weights cold turkey—almost happened FYI) regardless of how good I may have looked or felt. Only once I was confident I had made amends with my body and moved beyond my disordered eating issues did I reintroduce the scale for the occasional check-in, which takes place now only once or twice a month.

That number used to stress me out in the worst way possible. And the pre-weigh anxiety? Forget it. I got myself so worked up over nothingness every time. Energy drain. Today, I’d take a few extra pounds any day if it meant a stronger, leaner physique. This was not the case a year ago. But today, that number’s just a number. I’ve accepted that weight will fluctuate some over the course of a day, and that your abs will never look as good at the end of the day as they do in the morning *sigh*… but that’s normal!! Ironically, in this last year when I’ve stressed least about my weight, I’ve actually leaned out (burned fat) and lost multiple clothing sizes without even trying. Say wha?! I was just as surprised myself when I went to change out my closet in between seasons. Sustainable nutrition and efficient exercise IS where it’s at 🙂

Below are some of the tools I used to help mend my unhealthy relationship with the scale. Feel free to share anything I didn’t mention that may have worked for you!

1. Practice NOT getting on the scale. It may sound trivial, but a habit is a habit for better or for worse. And just as my twice daily weigh-ins had become habit, so, too, would become abstaining from it.

2. Ask yourself, why. WHY does that number matter? HOW will you be any different X pounds (or sizes) from now? You lose the ten pounds, then what? Remember, that number only has as much significance as you *give* it.

3. Put it away, then bring it back. Physically remove the scale from view, at least initially. You know how you tell yourself NOT to do something, and then all you want to do is whatever that something is? Ha. That was me. My failed attempts at breaking up with the scale always began with me telling myself absolutely positively no weigh-ins, which, of course, resulted in me weighing myself more than ever. For me, out of sight meant [more] out of mind. After some time though, try returning it to its place and practice resisting the urge to weigh even when it’s there.

4. Take the emphasis off of the number. Taking measurements every few weeks is very different than stepping on the scale all day everyday, and is something I still do. I’m a fan of the whole MODERATION thing, can you tell? 😉 Instead, ask yourself questions like: ‘How do my clothes fit? How do I feel? How are my workouts?’ Or like they say at ME, “What are your biofeedback signals (hunger, energy and cravings) telling you?” [HECs will tell you a lot, in case you were wondering] The answers to these questions are much more useful tools than any number will ever be. They give you something tangible to work with.

An example, from my own struggle.

You step on the scale and one of three things happens (today’s thought process in italics):

a) NOTHING. Feel shitty. The number is the same. Could be worse, but could also be better [read: lower]. A huge relief when I thought I’d gained. I’ve succeeded in learning how to maintain my weight through nutrition, not exercise.

b) HIGHER. Feel shitty. Restrict/overexercise. Do I feel good? Do I look good? How do my clothes fit? If good, likely muscle weight. If not, I know exactly what I need to do in the way of my nutrition and exercise to get back on track. And, a pound is NOT the end of the world.

c) LOWER. Feel shitty. Could be lower. Am I losing muscle? If so, and my nutrition is on par, I look to things like sleep and stress. In the way of exercise, could be time to up the heavy weights and restorative activity while decreasing the long-duration steady-state cardio. Or, likely a combination of all of the above.

Notice the underlying feeling of shittiness common to all of the scenarios above? Nothing was ever “good enough.” If you’re going to feel like crap no matter what, why weigh in the first place? Unless, of course, you’ve mastered the art of moderation (<- this takes YEARS of practice).

5. Start a gratitude journal. This may sound silly, but write down at least one thing everyday that you are grateful for. Or, something that you like about yourself. Or both. Journaling, in general, can be a therapeutic exercise to engage in. We are our own worst critics, but actively search to find the good in yourself that so many other people see in you! Remember, POSITIVITY trumps negativity. Always.

6. Look in the mirror. If you’re happy with what you see, the number shouldn’t matter. For the longest time, I denied seeing any [positive] physique change from my new routine even though I knew I was both building muscle and burning fat. Why? Because I was stubborn and didn’t want to admit that I knew the weight training (and more balanced nutrition) was a good thing. Now I’m not going to pretend that I don’t still have fat days, blah days or days where I feel absolutely huge… because, I do. And though these moments are relatively infrequent, a shift in MINDSET has enabled me to better cope with them when they do occur.

7. Focus on fueling your body to fuel your workouts. My workouts are important to me. Important as in a priority and I don’t like sucky workouts. And if you’re not eating well, you’re more likely to have sucky workouts. Sure, today’s best may be different than tomorrow’s best but without sufficient fuel, you’re compromising those limited energy stores and thus, the quality of your workouts.

If you are struggling with an unhealthy relationship with the scale, I get it. I’ve been there 100%. But I’ve also made it through the worst and can tell you that life on the other side is so liberating! I want this for you so badly, but only YOU can do you 🙂 Good luck, and let me know how it goes!

Part I: life in the comfort zone

Let me tell you a little something about the comfort zone. It’s safe, familiar, heck, it’s comfortable. But, it gets you nowhere. How do I know? I hung out there for way too long.

Six months post-graduation, I was still working as a part-time Wellness Coach. I was bored, unhappy and lacking in the continuous stream of mental stimulation I’d become so accustomed to as a full-time student up to that point. Still, the fear of the unknown paralyzed me (I let it) and I found myself *waiting* for the right opportunity to make the leap. Here’s the thing: if you’re waiting for the opportunity to come to you, or for the timing to be just right, you’re going to be waiting a long time. There’s never going to be a right time. The time is NOW. Circumstance could always be better, but at some point, we must declare it “good enough.”

Some will get to that point on their own. If you fall into that category, all the more power to you. For me, it took someone else believing in me, giving me the confidence I didn’t have in myself to just do it. Lack of confidence in these times of transition is normal; trust me, I get it. But, that transition period need not be made any longer by failure to TAKE ACTION. Just do. Do something.

I’m a big proponent of the mantra “fake it ‘til you make it” (aka how to believe in yourself when you don’t feel worthy). If you’re not happy, or lean, for example, practice doing things that happy people, lean people do. Like with anything, self-confidence and self-trust come with practice. As silly as it sounds, practicing confidence was key for me in overcoming my gym anxiety. If you’ve read my story, you know that I was anything but confident a year ago. But, I told myself I was. Over and over and over again. And then one day, it was like a switch had flipped. All of a sudden, I was doing what I’d always done, but without the anxiety.

So one of my friends had been pushing me (okay, maybe more like repeated friendly nudge ;)) to get my personal training cert. Recall that at this point in the life plan, we were supposed to have been four months into the first year of medical school. Fail. Ha. Anyways, I’d purchased the textbooks and had been studying… for months lol… so clearly it was something that’d been on my mind a while. But there was something about registering for the exam that made it so real. So I put it off. Then put it off some more, registered and postponed. I told myself I could only postpone once, so I kept the test date (and kept it strictly confidential, I might add) and passed. In retrospect, it’s easy to recognize that I wasn’t afraid of the test itself. In fact, if I had confidence in one thing, it was my study skills. Rather, I was scared of what would come next. I’d worried myself sick over Step 10 before even having attempted Step 1. My dad, though we butt heads more often than I’d like, has always said: “don’t worry about something until you have something to worry about.” So true.

Earning my ACSM cert was the catalyst for change for me. I was deathly afraid to use it and actually start training (and didn’t for a few months), but that’s another story. It was in this moment that I realized I had the potential to do something more.

Hate to leave you hanging, but this is getting lengthier than I’d like so I’m going to stop here. Back tomorrow with PART II…

Stay tuned…

Part II: life beyond the comfort zone

Alright, so picking up where we left off. I liken my journey over this last year to a turtle coming out of it’s shell. A year ago, I felt lost, scared and alone. My self-confidence was at an all-time low, self-trust basically didn’t exist and I was without the direction I so desperately sought… in “the shell,” if you will. I wanted to ‘do better’ but fear of failure is ultimately what kept me in the comfort zone for so long.

Not long after I started lifting weights, I read Being Happy by Tal Ben-Shahar. A Harvard lecturer in psychology, he coins optimalism as an healthier alternative to perfectionism and suggests adopting an optimalist mindset to overcome the fear of failure- one of the key attributes of a perfectionist. I felt like the book was written for me!! He suggests that by fearing failure, we fall short of our potential: “we either learn to fail or fail to learn.” While the Perfectionist rejects failure, the Optimalist accepts it. Not only accepts it, but realizes that it [failing] is how they learn to succeed.

As someone with Type-A tendencies, I like predictable outcomes. Which is why a year ago, risk-taking didn’t happen… in any domain of my life. In this last year not only have I learned to take risks, but to accept that things may not always be perfect, and that’s ok. Other than unattainable, what is perfect anyway? Plus, predictable is boring. Yes, a direct path into business, law or medicine has its appeal, but I find myself excited now more than ever at the possibility that lies in the unknown: I get to create my own path.

At first, my risks were super teeny tiny ones, and probably ones that others would not classify as risk at all. But with each subsequent step that didn’t end catastrophically (extremist much? ha), I gained the confidence to take a slightly bigger step the next time. I’ll be the first to admit that the scare factor does still exist in trying new things, but a) this is very normal and b) I’ve practiced telling myself to just “get over it,” and then really, actually getting over it lol. Things tend not to be nearly as stressful as you might have thought them to be in your head, but you can make yourself sick when you start to mull over the hypotheticals. Worry about the ‘what-ifs’ only if and when they happen.

Starting with my own journey that commenced when I abandoned my life plan to pursue medical school, I began what would be a slow, but steady approach toward the outer limits of my comfort zone. I started lifting weights and quickly became hooked on something to which I was once so strongly opposed. And then guess what?! Group exercise happened. Not kidding. But, I only take ME… I have the attention span of a five-year old and anything beyond 30-minutes is, too much. Sorry BodyPumpers #sorrynotsorry.

A short five months later, the scheduling, taking and passing of my ACSM exam opened up more doors. After I actually started training, it allowed me to phase out my wellness coach responsibilities and shortly thereafter, leave wellness altogether. So here I was, cPT, telling other people to lift weights, but terrified to lift weights in the gym by myself, outside of group ex and without a trainer. Not a good look. This was one of those “get over it, Emily” moments. I wrote about gym anxiety here, but basically I started small: lifting weights by myself in Women’s Wellness.

Okay, so now that I’m totally hooked on this idea of a career in the fitness industry, I sign myself up for not one, but three additional certs whose practical portions involve filming a mock training session. F*ck. Me, on camera? x3 ? Thank you, no. But, I did it. Then, to start teaching the ME class I was, less than a year ago, afraid to set foot in? [Funny are the ‘what-the-heck-are-you-doing-up-here’ moments midway through teaching a class. It’s like my old self yelling at my new self, “What are you doing?! This is out of your comfort zone!” Then my new self saying, “screw it,” and turning the other way].

And this little blog? Yeah, I’m seriously the most guarded person ever and being vulnerable, well, takes practice. Last weekend was arguably one of the biggest steps I’ve taken out of my comfort zone, yet. I attended the inaugural Radiance Retreat in Asheville, NC, where I knew no one. I feared being the youngest, weakest, smallest and least successful amongst the crowd, but I left feeling more empowered than ever. Recap to come.

NOTE: The latter was not intended as a rant, but rather to illustrate how far I’ve come in the last twelve months. It’s kind of crazy, actually. Milton Berle said, “if opportunity doesn’t knock build a door.” The bottom line is that had I not taken Step 1, I never would’ve gotten to Steps 2, 3 and 4. You’ve got to start sometime so why not now?

I’ll leave you with this. A friend shared it with me back when I was just getting started on this journey and it’s been set as the wallpaper on my phone since. It serves as my daily reminder that I can do anything I want and I get to create the exact life I want.

From Stutz & Michels The Tools (also highly recommend).